Is this thing on? Hello? Hello? Ah! There you are, Chesterfield!
Yes, it's me, the Doctor - THE Doctor, not one of these Johnny come latecomers, hee hee! The original, and still the best! I've been following the adventures of my future selves and they've been interesting - very, very interesting! Well, there's not much else to do at the Ex-Doctors Retirement Home, other than watch the soaps (I'm a Corrie man) and look forward to my sponge bath.
It's an odd thing, being surrounded by future versions of myself. I'm the youngest, yet physically I appear the oldest. Many look to my as old wisdom, which is daft, when you think about it, as they are all older. I'M the young Doctor, not that new fellow with the long fingers and the funny face! Hmmm?
It was all different in my day, you know Chatterton. My modern adventures seem very fast and exhausting. I watched one the other day and it gave me a headache, all running and screaming and music and monsters! I think my early adventures were better, in calm black and white, with plots that took at least an hour to get going. One had a chance to relax into things, to feel one's way. None of this waving a sonic whatsit about, or jumping off of things. That's what you were there for Chesterhatch! Yes indeed!
I must confess I find some of my newer selves a trifle...embarrassing. They seem to think that because they get a younger body that they are younger. But they're not. Look at the way I've been dressing lately. The rot set in around the time of my fifth incarnation. I started weating shirts with question marks on the collar and then that awful question mark tank top and umbrella. Ghastly - look at me, I'm enigmatic. No, you're not, dear fellow, you're a fashion disaster!
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| Wrong, wrong, wrong! |
It got even worse when I started trying to be trendy. What was that leather jacket look about, Chestofdrawers? And then the skinny suit and those training shoes! Oh dear. Worse, I started using hair products to make it all spiky. More than enough evidence to suggest a serious mid-life crisis. Next thing I'll be getting an earring and marrying Callista Flockheart (I read Hello too, so know all the celebrity gossip)!
And as for my behaviour, sometimes I blush for myself! I've become a dirty old man! In my day, I travelled with my grand daughter and two school teachers! My adventures were wholesome and educational! We met Marco Polo, Aztecs, Nero, Richard the Lionheart! I didn't lust after shop girls! That Rose Tyler was 19! 19! I'm now over 900! That's disgusting! She's young enough to be my great-great-great-great...um...you get the idea, hmmm? Now I'm kissing everything! Martha, Amy Pond, Kylie Minogue! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth starting pawing that nice Tess Daly? That's how I feel about it.
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| Stop that! You're 900 years old! |
They normally calm down once they arrive here. Doctor Seven is still in the Psychiatrict Wing but the others normally settle down. Doctor Eight keeps escaping to do Voice Overs, but Nine and Ten have joined our Bridge nights. They're a little...common, these new ones, but they're still me, and one must be charitable.
Ah, Chestinfection, here comes the nurse. Time for my sponge bath! Must go, hee, hee, hmmmm?
THE DOCTOR
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