I Was Killed By Peri's Bosom

Hello, the Doctor here. No, not THAT one, why does everyone always thing of Old Show Off in his scarf? No, this is his replacement, Doctor Five! What was that? Who just called out 'the wet vet?' That's not funny, you know. SOMEONE had to follow Old Show Off, and it just happened to be me. If you are mature and discerning, you will see that my time as Doctor Who was one of quality and fine acting, rather than hamming it up and wandering up Soho sloshed with daleks. Look at my adventures - did anyone else go back to prehistoric Earth in Concorde? I rest my case.

I used to take some solace that, although I was doomed to always be in Old Show Off's shadow, I would always be the young and handsome one. I mean, look at when I was Doctor Bill - now there's a face for radio - and need I mention Doctor Knome? I would always remain the housewive's choice.

And then that bloody (pardon my language) David Ten-Inch comes along. With his eyes and his teeth and his gelled hair. And he's young! That was my USP! To add salt to the wounds I ended up in one of his episodes with the time differential shorted out, so I looked bloody (pardon the language) ancient. I'd got fat as well. I looked like Colin. It was mortifying. The new one's young too but, thank Rassilon, he's funny looking.

Bloody (pardon the language) Ten-Inch got so much action as well. Every companion was throwing themselves at him, even the male ones! I would've killed to have had Rose Tyler in my TARDIS; lovely bit of rough there. Martha wasn't half bad either. Donna reminded me too much of that nightmare Australian Tegan, who hung around forever giving me grief.

It's not fair. I was the young and dashing Doctor and I didn't get one legover in my entire tenure, and I was surrounded by young flesh. With my last assignation with Trevor the Zygon, back when I was Old Show Off, a distant and unpleasant memory, I was desperate for a bit of how's your father. I think I could have got in Nyssa's skirts but. of course, there was Adric.

Adric. The very name makes me wince. What was I thinking of bringing him along in the TARDIS? I'm sure Old Show Off did it for a laugh, knowing he would soon be off. Adric was his parting 'gift' to me. He only had one pair of space pyjamas which he wore all the time, so he smelt, and he cut his own hair with a bowl. And any, ANY time, I was about to make the move on Nyssa, he'd bound along with his notebook, asking me for the time and spatial coordinates for somewhere or other. I think he thought I was his dad or something. Truth to be told, I probably could have got back to that space freighter and rescued him before it crashed into the Earth; I just didn't try that hard.

Things got more promising later on. I finally offloaded the Australian and then Turlough brings back this beauty he's rescued from the sea, in the galaxy's smallest bikini (the girl, not Turlough). First thing I did was 'accidentally' land the TARDIS on the planet his brother lived on, meaning he went home, leaving me with the delectably curvy Peri Brown. Woof!

She was perfect: not too bright, easily impressed, and with a habit of wearing very little. I knew it would only be a matter of time before we started playing 'hide the sonic screwdriver'. My problem was I left it too late. It I had been old Ten-Inch, I'd have smarmed her into the bedroom in moments, but, in my fifth incarnation, I was a little more reserved, and far too nice.

Then I hit on a great plan. I let us get 'accidentally' poisoned by raw Spectrox, resulting in me having to be all noble and heroic and rescuing her from certain death. Trouble is, to make it convincing, I had to start to bring on my regeneration, but stave it off at the last moment, leading to her undying gratitude. Things were going great, I'd defeated the bad guy, got an antidote, given it to her, pretended I'd needed it but sacrificed myself for her. She was all emotional and had me propped up on her legs, leaning over me and all I could see was an endless expanse of cleavage. It was so bloody (pardon the language) marvellous I lost all my concentration, forgot to hold back, had a premature regeneration and became bloody (pardon the language) Colin. So I was effectively killed by Peri's bosom.

So I put in all the hard work and Colin gets to travel with Peri and her endless array of skimpy outfits. It's all a waste too, as Doctor Six is only really interested in himself; his ideal date would be with a mirror, or an android duplicate. Many a day here at the Ex-Doctors Retirement Home I've rued that one.

Anyway, must go, I can see Colin wobbling along. I don't want to get caught by him, he'll be moaning about his trial again.

Brave Heart!

THE DOCTOR