Would ya Adam an' Eve it?

Wotcha!

Bit of a mad day, innit? It started off well enough. I woke up in Dr Goodhead's room. Last night, I'd kinda snuck into the women's wing of the Ex-Doctor's Retirement Home. Before long, I'd met a group of Bond girls. There woz Dr Holly Goodhead, Dr Warmflash and the marvellously named Dr Christmas Jones! She woz a nuclear scientist and dressed like Tomb Raider! Time Lord heaven! Well, I'd also snuck in a bottle of Draconian brandy and before too long I was showing the lovely ladies why I have that nickname and why my first episode was called The Christmas Invasion!

Christmas came early this year, let me tell you!

You must think me shallow. Well, let me tell you, I had an epiphany, innit. Being selfless and noble got me NOWHERE. I travelled for two years with Rose Tyler. She was beautiful, funny, in love with me, but I got hung up on being a Time Lord. I live for centuries, she'd live 80 years. She was also 19, to my 900. I held back, it couldn't work. Then she got banished to an alternative Universe (it's never easy, is it?) and I ended up travelling with nice but dull Martha and butch Donna. God bless'em both, but I missed Rose.

Then she came back, to help stop that ol' nutjob Davros destroy the bloomin' Universe! I had another chance, and I bottled it. I tried to be noble, grown up, realistic, and while I was dithering, my human clone bagged her. Bollocks. This stuff could only happen to me. Sometimes I wish I was in Hollyoaks. So I'm stuck alone, fannying about having halfhearted adventures waiting to be killed off by Bernard Cribbins, and Rose is bangin' a guy who looks like me, who sounds like me, who thinks like me - IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!! What do I get? What is my reward? I get to hang around stalking my ex-companions for a bit - whoop de fuckin' do.

So, now, this Time Lord is out for himself. I'm going to have my reward. Look where being a hero got me - killed by Bernard Cribbins because he got stuck in a cupboard. Sure, casual sex is a little shallow, and maybe I feel a little cheap and maybe I see Rose's face everytime, and maybe my life feels empty and pointless and... and...

... Anyway, where was I? So I'm sat in in bed with the lovely doctors, considering if the old Sonic Screwdriver could come in handy, when we all heard an explosion from the Men's wing.

"What was that?" shrieked Dr Goodhead, dropping the chocolate spread.

"Sounded like a chaise being destroyed by a wrist mounted gun," replied Dr Jones, stripping off some bondage tape.

I leapt out of bed, jumped into me trousers, hopped into my boots, sprinted from the room, ran back, borrowed some of Holly's hair gel, smoothed it in, then ruffled it for that look, shouted "Allons-y!" then ran off. to the men's wing, cos, at the end of the day, this is what it's all about, innit?

Must ask Holly where she got that hair gel - it was well good!

I dash into the dayroom to see that all the nurses appear to have become autons! Blimey! There's a geezer in a cream suit stood in the middle, looking commandin' and stuff. He said his name was Dr No. Never heard of him.

"What is the meaning of this, Sir?" said old Dr Jon, as pompous as ever.

Dr Chris said something too, but I can never understand a word he says.

"Damn and blast, this is a fine old fillet of fish, and let me tell you!" blasted Dr Bill.

The room went quiet. Dr No regarded us. He raised a metal hand and with a rather slow squeak, pointed a finger at us, one after the other. This took some time.

Not sure about the new red wallpaper.

"I am now in command here. I am Dr No. You will obey me at all times, or face the wrath of my auton nurses."

"I can guarantee," said Dr Tom, slouched with one leg over the arm of his chair, "that no-one else will utter that line today."

No ignored him. "Change is coming to this world. New management has moved in. This is but the beginning. I have been sent here to ensure you do not engage in your infamous meddling. You will remain in this building. No-one leaves."

"WHAT!?" shouted Dr Tom leaping to his feet. "I've got to get to the bookie's, and I'm meeting the lads in the pub at noon!"

"You poor deluded man," chided Dr Bill. "To contain us you would have to destroy all living matter!"

"No," said No. "Just not let you out."

And with that, he lowered his finger (this took some time) and walked away. The nurses' guns disappeared back into their wrists. They went and stood by the various exits.

"This is intolerable!" shouted Dr Tom. "I'm down to my last case of whiskey! I have to get out soon!"

"Get out, we will, my boy, hee hee," chuckled Dr Bill. "Do they think they can contain us, hmmm?"

Dr Chris uttered something, but no-one understood it. Sounded like 'mud ferret', or something.

"Let's go back to my TARDIS," said Dr Jon, "and discuss our escape plan."

"Actually," said Dr Peter, "can we go to Dr Eight's TARDIS?"

"Why, dare I ask?" replied Dr Jon haughtily.

"Cos Dr Paul's has chairs, cups of tea and space to fit us all in the one room." I said. It was true - that episode of his may have been a bit crap, but boy, those yanks could certainly build a control room.

"That's fine," said Dr Paul quietly. "shall we go?"

"Top Gear's starting!" yelled Dr Colin from the TV area.

"OK, after Top Gear," I said.