Conference of the Doctors!

Hello? Can you hear me? Is this thing on? Oh, there you are! How nice to see you again!

It's all very exciting here! Turns out the nurses are plastic! Apparently I'll be fighting these things when I'm the Dandy! Not sure about plastic nurse - it all seems a little scary to me. I mean, Cybermen on the moon is one thing, but plastic nurses? What next? Plastic policemen? Aren't we a kids' show?

Where was I? Oh yes! We all went off to Dr Paul's room for a conference. What a charming console room he has! People don't seem to be to nice to Dr Paul, you know. I remember Dr Tom saying he 'wasn't canon', although I'm not sure what that means. Dr Paul's room has lovely comfy chairs and a Jules Verne feel. He also has a 500 years diary like I used to have. I feel quite at home. I think there may even be a recorder lying around somewhere.

Wonder if he'd do a room swap?

"Right," said Dr Dandy, trying to take control as always. "Let's recap the problem, shall we? Hostile takeover, Auton nurses, prisoners in our own Home, escape plan needed?"

"Can't we just telepathically communicate, like we used to?" I asked. "Much quicker, isn't it?"

"I ain't fooking doing that poncy 'Contact' bollocks," said Dr Chris. "It's embarrassin' and not proper drama."

"Just as well," said Dr Tom, who had somehow found and mixed himself a whiskey and soda. "I wouldn't Contact with you if my lives depended on it."

"You had plenty of contact with Trevor the Zygon," whispered Dr Colin.

"What was that, inferior Baker?" Tom growled.

"You watch yer mouth," said Dr Chris stepping right up to Dr Tom. "Or you'll get a slap."

"You got bitch slapped by Jackie Tyler," said Dr Tom quietly. "Don't embarrass yourself. Sit down."

"Gentlemen, gentlemen," said Dr Paul, arriving with a tray of tea things. "This is getting us nowhere, is it? Remember, we're all the same person and we're all in the same boat."

"Allegedly," said Dr Tom sharply.

"The situation's obvious, innit?" said Dr David. They call him Ten-Inch but I don't know why. "Something's up here. This Dr No is part of a bigger plan, innit? We're gotta get outta 'ere and stop it!"

"Here, here," said Dr Bill waving his stick and accidentally clonking Dr Peter on the head. "We stop this Dr Yes, er No, find the evil in charge, and plan his elaborate foil!"

"But how?" asked Dr Colin. "Our sonic screwdrivers don't work in the Home, and the nurses are Autons. They are armed."

"If we could rustle up a spoon, a tin plate, some string, a cork and a copy of Women's Weekly, I could lash something up," said Dr Jon, with a gleam in his eye.

"There is an easier way," said Dr Paul. "We could find someone who just walks out of the door and goes and gets help."

"Who can just walk out of the door? What about the auton nurses?" asked Dr Peter.

Dr Paul smiled and walked over to the door, opened it and Dr Goodhead, who had been listening, tumbled in.

"Holly?" exclaimed Dr David, "What are you doing here? Why are you spying on us?"

"That's not Dr Goodhead," said Dr Paul. "Dr Goodhead has been locked in the linen cupboard since teatime yesterday."

"That's not possible!" said Dr David. "Last night we were..."

"What, old chap?" I asked with a twinkle.

"Oh God," said Dr Tom. "Please tell me it's not."

"Time to reveal yourself, Kevin," said Dr Paul.

Dr Goodhead smiled ruefully and then began to shimmer. She gradually changed from a pretty young woman into an orange creature, with no neck, covered in suckers - a bit like that Earth woman Jordan.

Oh my Giddy Aunt! That's not Dr Goodhead!

"Ha!" said Dr Chris, waving a finger at Dr David. "You shagged a Zygon! You shagged a Zygon!"

For once, Dr David had nothing to say.