Don't call me a stalker

This is all a bit embarrassing.

Looked at from the outside one could get the impression that I am a stalker. But it's not like that - it really isn't. Have you never been in love? Not just 'I fancy you' love, or 'we could have a future together' love, or 'you're my soul mate' love. I'm talking about love that is so intense, so visceral, that it actually hurts. This is love that transends everything, that dominates, that completes. This is the type of love that you have to pursue because, without it, it's like missing a part of you, like a limb. Doctor Who is my life.

I knew from the moment I first saw him. We were supposed to be enemies, what with us Zygons based in Scotland, attempting to take over the world with the Loch Ness Monster. A bonkers plan, I know, but Broton, our leader was a bit bonkers. I said to him: "Broton, mate, do we really need to draw attention to ourselves by letting that stupid great cyborg fish go biting up human oil rigs?" His suckers starting going a dangerous purple colour so I quickly made an exit.

Me and Broton in happier times

I was right though. The authorities got involved, with UNIT turning up with soldiers and guns and then he appeared, a vision in velvet and couderoy, with that wide brimmed hat and huge scarf. The other Zygons couldn't stop laughing, I mean the very concept of clothes is alien to us, so someone who wore such ridiculous ones was a laugh riot. But I knew. I knew that this wasn't a guy to mess with, that under all the nonsense was a being of extreme intelligence and cunning, a wisdom born of centuries. I also knew he was dead fit.

I mean, just look at him - those curls, those blue eyes, those teeth, that tall commanding presence - and that VOICE, OMG, I go weak at the knees when I hear it. It's like Zygon pleasure honey poured over your bits on a sunny day. I knew I had to have him. Obviously this was a little complicated. There was no time for small talk what with him blowing the Zygons to kingdom come and foiling our master plan. I barely escaped, and spent the next few years disguised as various earth people hiding out and waiting.

Phwoarrr!

That is the bonus of being a shapeshifter, it does come in awfully useful sometimes. As a lover of British TV I spent several years disguised as Peter Purves on Blue Peter. That was fun. I also spent a year as Carrie Fisher - that was an eye opener. All the time I kept my ear to the ground listening for when he would turn up again. Finally I got word that the blue box had turned up in Brighton. I headed down there and on the beach saw him in a deckchair. He hadn't aged well and was decked out in burgandy, which didn't suit him. There was the usual floozy, some blonde waif, and the naffest looking robot dog in all of the cosmos. Had an even more stupid name, as I recall.

It was child's play to adopt the guise of a deckchair attendant, lure the floozy away, stick her in a beach hut and adopt her appearance. Then I asked the Doctor to help me check the Spatial Whatsit, bent over a lot, and before too long gave him the green light. That was a very successful weekend, let me tell you. Then it went wrong. The waif, Romana, got out and I made a hasty retreat. Worse, he presumed the fun and games were still on and she didn't mind at all. I'd set them up! It was heartbreaking.

Years later, after I'd finally managed to escape Earth, I bumped into him again. he was all morose over Romana going and was pretty drunk. I dared to show him my true self and we had a rather unsatisfactory fumble, that turned into a drunken week of debauchery. Then he was gone and I was heartbroken again.

Imagine my surprise when I learnt that he could change his appearance! We now had even more in common! Life need never get routine or boring if your partner could have over 10 different bodies! I made my way to the retirement Home, adopted a suitable guise and started my exploration of which Doctor would be best in the sack.

They're not all great - the first is ancient and would have trouble raising a smile, and the second is a bit ugly. The third is pompous and the fifth wet. The sixth fat and the seventh mad. The eighth is much more promising and as for the tenth - hello sailor! Here's one to give Doctor Tom a run for his money. I soon adopted a suitable appearance and, boy, I was not disappointed - Ten-Inch indeed!

But I had to be nosy, and now here I am, found out, in front of my true loves like a naughty schoolboy in front of the headmaster.

"For Rassilon's sake, Kevin," thundered Doctor Tom (he's so masterful when he's angry). "You have to stop doing this!"

"So," said Doctor David. "I actually spent a night of lust with a Zygon and not a Bond girl?"

"Yup," I smiled. "And I was the best you've ever had!"

"Gentlemen," said Dr Paul, looking gorgeous, "we're presented with an opportunity here. Kevin can become anyone. He can assume the appearance of a nurse, or Dr No himself and just walk out of the doors."

"And then what?" said haughty Doctor Jon. "We're still in here, surely."

"As good as we are," continued Doctor Paul, "as many times as we have escaped from places, this is different. Our sonics don't work and there are autons everywhere. There is no room for surprise, or improvisation."

"So what do we do, Chesterfield," said Doctor Bill, "hmmm?"

"Down the road," the delicious Doctor Paul continued, "is the Ex-Officers retirement Home-"

"The Brigader!" excalimed Doctor Jon. "Of course!"

"I don't mean dear Alastair," said Doctor Paul, the light shining off of his lustrous locks. "Rumour has it that there resides there a group of ex-soldiers, adept at pulling off the impossible and the ridiculous. They hire themselves out to help those in need."

"I remember them," said Doctor Colin. "They played havoc with my viewing figures. Four of them, a Unit."

"UNIT?" Doctor Jon's ears perked up.

Doctor Paul continued in that voice of his, perfect for any voiceover from cheese to banking. "We have a problem, no-one else can help and we know where to find them. Maybe we could hire..."

He paused. The whole room looked at him. I could feel a major boner developing.

"The A-Team."

Will Kevin the Zygon escape and find the A-team? Tune in next time!